ATTN: DOG OWNERS
Hello, Community Dog Owners! We have a number of issues to cover in this week’s Canine Express Email:
- The Association recently received a complaint from a new resident that certain dog owners have been letting their dogs off their leashes, and the dogs “run around and act completely stupid.” We explained to the resident that dogs are stupid; they just need to let the stupid out.
- The same resident suggested that we hire a person in the role of “Citizen On Poop Patrol” (COPP). If this COPP witnesses any owner failing to properly dispose of their dog’s poop, they would have the authority to hand out a $25 citation (money would go to the Association). Sort of like a parking ticket except we’re talking about dog poop. We thought you’d get a kick out of this.
- From our weekly Canine Express Mail Call: Sam P. writes to us, “Are Chihuahuas dogs? My dog thinks Chihuahuas are ugly cats.” Chihuahuas are dogs, Sam, but if it makes your dog feel any better, their small size means they deserve less attention.
- Do you want to get the stick? Do ya? Do ya? If you do, please stop reading this email. This is for human owners of dogs, not their dogs.
- We mean it. Look away, boy or girl. Now. Do we have to snap our fingers at you? We’re going to the closet. We’re rattling the closet door knob. We’re opening the closet door. We’re reaching very slowly for the loud vacuum machine. We will use it. Go lie down. Good dog.
- We recently received word that some dogs are reading our emails again and communicating the contents to other dogs. Please take a moment to change your email password. You might also ask your dog, “Have you been reading my email?” But please remember, before berating him or her into a corner, most dogs act guilty even if they haven’t done anything.
- On the issue of dog fighting: This is serious. Bob Johnson has volunteered his services. Bob, as many of you know, was a Golden Gloves champion back in the day, and he thinks we can take it to those Legacy Park Golden Paws next month. If your dog wants to fight, tell him or her to bring a mouth guard, headgear, and boxing gloves (all dog-sized, please) to spar at the community center this Saturday at 8 a.m. No experience standing on hind legs necessary, though it can’t hurt to have your dog practice.
- The Spring Squirrel Gettin’ is fast approaching. Get the squirrel! Get the squirrel! … You're reading the email again, aren't you, dogs? Go lie down. Do you see this newspaper? Thwack! Loud newspaper! Thwack! Log off! Thwack!
- FYI, if you’re having trouble with your dog reading emails, you might try using sarcasm and old-fashioned emoticons in your correspondence. Dogs can totally sense sarcasm, and they’re great at seeing faces in punctuation marks! ;)
- As we were saying, the Spring Squirrel Gettin’ is fast approaching, and this year’s festival will include free car rides, Bobbing for Bones, and, of course, the big Squirrel Gettin’ competition. On that note, we’re seeking volunteers to capture squirrels so that we’ll have enough for a full day of squirrel-gettin’ competition. If your dog wants to volunteer, that’s fine, but please reiterate that all captured squirrels must still be alive, or they can’t be used in the squirrel-gettin’. And it’s probably worth saying that cats, raccoons, possum, birds, Chihuahuas, etc., do not count as squirrels, no matter how proud your dog is to “get” one.
- A visitor to our community recently complained about dog poop on the playground. They said their children stepped in poop several times. It reminds us that we need to raise funds for signs that say, “No Children Allowed on Playground.”
- Another correspondence from our weekly Canine Express Mail Call: Jerylene writes, “When my Lab girl squats to pee, she looks aerodynamic, like she might be trying to fly. But when she squats to poop, she looks very grounded and focused. Are there any studies on this?” The Association will look into it.
- If Jerylene’s Lab is reading this, we’re sorry to publicize your peeing and pooping habits. We’re just endlessly fascinated by, and envious of, the idea of relieving oneself outdoors. Now go lie down.
- On the ongoing issue of dogs humping other dogs: The Association feels the issue is not the “humping” behavior, per se, but the music that is played at the weekly dances where the humping takes place. We’ve asked the Dance Committee to tone down the sexy beats, or else we’ll just have to find another canine deejay.
- Hear that, dogs? Lie down!
- On the issue of dogs using the community rec room to smoke cigarettes and play cards: Boy, dogs are really good at cards, aren’t they? ;) I don’t think any one of us could sit down at a poker game with them and win. ;) We certainly wouldn’t let them win a few hands just to oil their confidence, or offer praise and watch them wag their tails without realizing it, would we? ;) We could never win money from dogs who smoke and play cards. ;) :) !!!
That concludes this week’s Canine Express Email.
Sincerely, The Association
P.S. Lie down!
© Jamie Allen 2023