Humor
Caveman Rejection Letters
"Thank you for submitting your sharp object. While it is certainly sharp, and it drew blood on three of our editors, sharp objects are not selling these days. If you have anything in the realm of blunt objects, please feel free to submit them.”
What to Expect at the Upcoming Big Gathering of People in Your Neighborhood
"Right about this time, we will resign ourselves to the fact that it’s time to go. But we will refuse to give up. We’ve been waiting so long for this! So, we will continue to wander and listen to those dad-bands and sip warm beer and hold our pee and get even more sunburned.”
Letter From John Lewis's 5th Congressional District of Hell
"All of the popular hipsters I know from Instagram were gathered there, no doubt plotting their next “like” or hashtag party. That was bad enough. But then I saw cast members from the television show Stranger Things, which is filming here, and I knew I was living in The Upside-Down.”
Dear Literary Magazine
"Thank you for sending us your rejection letter. Despite its evident merit, we’re sorry to say we cannot accept it at this time.”
Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit
"Exit your office building. Now, Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Keep jumping on one foot. Tap your lunch partner, Sam, on the shoulder and tell him you’re jumping one foot. Tell him he can’t Jump on One Foot, not like you can Jump on One Foot.”
New York Times Sunday Routine: Zach Jenkins, Four Years Old
“After making my own cereal, I like to spill most of it on the couch for the dog to lick up while I watch HBO shows that confuse and frighten me. It gets the Sunday blood pumping. Then, I like to use Dad’s phone to log into his Words with Friends and spell two-letter words. It keeps my mind sharp.”
The Wolf of Writing Street
"To celebrate, I bought stepped-on cocaine and cheap champagne. You have to understand, these were heady times. We all were high on the haze of ambition and creative prowess. The music was funky, and the outfits featured snaps."
Top Behavior Problems in Dogs
"But when you instead choose to stay on the bed, and you vomit hot, half-digested ice cream onto your temporary caretaker’s forehead, eyes, cheek, and mouth, no amount of trying to lick it off can take back what you have done to me, goddamn you, forever, forever, I will never get over this, Marie."
Five Other Activities During Which Texting Can Be Dangerous
“That’s when Sugar texts you to see what you’re doing. You text her the job details. ‘Ur so kray-c, she texts back, ‘I want 2 c u wen ur dun.’”
Common Household Ghosts
"WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Gives Your Dog Low Self-Esteem! WoooOOOooo! Have you ever noticed your dog just lying there, and he looks up at you with eyes pooled in tears? And then he rolls over and heaves a great big sigh? WoooOOOooo! It’s not because you don’t exercise him! I have just haunted your dog!"
We Are a Creative Agency Specializing in All Your Branding Needs
"After getting a little tipsy, we will ask even more Discovery questions, like: What do you desire out of life? Are you sleeping with anyone? Are you in therapy? Do you want to hear a funny story about our last therapist?"
When People Come to Our House, We Treat Them Like Family
"Joe! Come in! I’m so glad you could visit away from the office. We were just sitting down for a little television. Please, join us. Don’t sit there. That’s my seat. No one sits in my seat unless I specifically say to sit in my seat."
Animal House
"When you call home to check in at 11 p.m., does the phone ring unanswered? After you call again and again and again, does there come a moment when the dog finally answers the phone … and he drops it, no doubt because he’s drunk?”
How I'd Communicate My Feelings About Starbucks Wi-Fi Policy If I Were a Soap Opera Writer, a Hollywood Screenwriter, a Sci-Fi Writer, a Playwright, or an Email Writer
"As Jorg the Robot aimed his sensor-meter over the dusty terrain of the planet once called “Earth,” Commander Kirkland surveyed the horizon of the planet’s blighted landscape.”
REJECTED
FATHER JOHN MISTY, IT’S TIME TO LEAVE MY BED.
“Here’s where it got tricky. I was like, ‘Hmm. What’s a good way to sign off? I could draw a heart. Is that too much?’ But I looked at the clock, and I was like, ‘Shit, I gotta go,’ and so I scribbled, ‘Stay as long as you want …’
“Well. You haven’t left my bed since.”
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: I Have Added ‘hehe’ to My Texting Repertoire
“While talking with other Gen-X dads who use ‘hehe,’ we found that when texted in the right circumstance, the meaning of the ‘hehe’ can seem wildly unclear when coming from an aging, perhaps out of touch dad – from kind to conniving to disoriented, or even an indication of early-onset dementia,” I said in the announcement. “And for the very reason that it can seem cryptic, it allows us to deflect, confuse, subvert, and derail conversations at our leisure.”
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE IF YOU’VE ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED INTO A HOLLYWOOD SCENE
Does the Oscar-winning actress look you up and down and say, “Why are you so dull?” Do you remember what it felt like that first day of 8th grade when your mom had bought you all the wrong clothes? Do you say, maybe for the first time in your life, “I’m just a normal guy”? Does the actress cackle and say, “Gross”? And before you can recover, does she say, “Well, my friends are gonna do some bumps if you wanna come with”?
The Dogist: Real Canine Busts
"I just pre-booked Bunko. Now I’m placing him under arrest for eating cat poop out of the litter box at home, the litter boxes of other people’s homes, and even in public parks."
I Can’t Find My Headphones: The Musical
All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!
We refuse to head to the headphone sella!
We’re gonna look look look look look around
We’re gonna look look look look up and down
All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!
ATTN: DOG OWNERS
"Hello, Community Dog Owners! We have a number of issues to cover in this week’s Canine Express Email:"
REQUIEM FOR A MEME
You and your girlfriend decide to stay home. You make a black-and-white, quasi-artsy video. In it, you and your girlfriend are both dressed as stereotypical French people (berets, striped shirts), and you say into the camera, over and over again, in various poses,
“Get in the mouth.”
“Get in the mouth.”
“Get in the mouth.”
“Get in the mouth.”