Caveman Rejection Letters
"Thank you for submitting your sharp object. While it is certainly sharp, and it drew blood on three of our editors, sharp objects are not selling these days. If you have anything in the realm of blunt objects, please feel free to submit them.”
Letter From John Lewis's 5th Congressional District of Hell
"All of the popular hipsters I know from Instagram were gathered there, no doubt plotting their next “like” or hashtag party. That was bad enough. But then I saw cast members from the television show Stranger Things, which is filming here, and I knew I was living in The Upside-Down.”
Common Household Ghosts
"WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Gives Your Dog Low Self-Esteem! WoooOOOooo! Have you ever noticed your dog just lying there, and he looks up at you with eyes pooled in tears? And then he rolls over and heaves a great big sigh? WoooOOOooo! It’s not because you don’t exercise him! I have just haunted your dog!"
Dear Literary Magazine
"Thank you for sending us your rejection letter. Despite its evident merit, we’re sorry to say we cannot accept it at this time.”
Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit
"Exit your office building. Now, Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Keep jumping on one foot. Tap your lunch partner, Sam, on the shoulder and tell him you’re jumping one foot. Tell him he can’t Jump on One Foot, not like you can Jump on One Foot.”
New York Times Sunday Routine: Zach Jenkins, Four Years Old
“After making my own cereal, I like to spill most of it on the couch for the dog to lick up while I watch HBO shows that confuse and frighten me. It gets the Sunday blood pumping. Then, I like to use Dad’s phone to log into his Words with Friends and spell two-letter words. It keeps my mind sharp.”
The Wolf of Writing Street
"To celebrate, I bought stepped-on cocaine and cheap champagne. You have to understand, these were heady times. We all were high on the haze of ambition and creative prowess. The music was funky, and the outfits featured snaps."
Top Behavior Problems in Dogs
"But when you instead choose to stay on the bed, and you vomit hot, half-digested ice cream onto your temporary caretaker’s forehead, eyes, cheek, and mouth, no amount of trying to lick it off can take back what you have done to me, goddamn you, forever, forever, I will never get over this, Marie."
Sir Isaac Newton’s Notes, Before the Discovery of Gravity
"Was walking through town today when an interesting thing happened: I tripped over a stone and fell down. Not up. Down.”
Five Other Activities During Which Texting Can Be Dangerous
“That’s when Sugar texts you to see what you’re doing. You text her the job details. ‘Ur so kray-c, she texts back, ‘I want 2 c u wen ur dun.’”
We Are a Creative Agency Specializing in All Your Branding Needs
"After getting a little tipsy, we will ask even more Discovery questions, like: What do you desire out of life? Are you sleeping with anyone? Are you in therapy? Do you want to hear a funny story about our last therapist?"
When People Come to Our House, We Treat Them Like Family
"Joe! Come in! I’m so glad you could visit away from the office. We were just sitting down for a little television. Please, join us. Don’t sit there. That’s my seat. No one sits in my seat unless I specifically say to sit in my seat."
"When you call home to check in at 11 p.m., does the phone ring unanswered? After you call again and again and again, does there come a moment when the dog finally answers the phone … and he drops it, no doubt because he’s drunk?”
How I'd Communicate My Feelings About Starbucks Wi-Fi Policy If I Were a Soap Opera Writer, a Hollywood Screenwriter, a Sci-Fi Writer, a Playwright, or an Email Writer
"As Jorg the Robot aimed his sensor-meter over the dusty terrain of the planet once called “Earth,” Commander Kirkland surveyed the horizon of the planet’s blighted landscape.”