I Can't Find My Headphones: The Musical

I Can’t Find My Headphones: The Musical

[ACT 1]

At RISE.

We’re in the living room of a Brooklyn apartment rented by two modern males. It’s unkempt but stylish. On the stage backdrop, we “see” into the rest of the apartment building, sort of like how you could see into other jail cells in Elvis’s famous “Jailhouse Rock” scene.

JIMMY -- 20-something, likable in a completely average way -- rummages through the pocket of a backpack. No luck. He tosses it on the couch. He seems down.

His roommate BILLY -- 20-something, colorful clothes -- walks out from his room into the kitchen located Stage Left.

BILLY

Hey, Jimmy.

JIMMY

Hey, Billy.

BILLY

(pouring a cup of coffee)

Don’t you normally leave for work by now?

Jimmy now searches between couch cushions. Billy sips his coffee as Jimmy responds.

JIMMY

Yeah, but I can’t find my headphones. I haven’t seen them in days.

BILLY

(spits out coffee)

Days! Wow, I couldn’t survive a minute without my headphones.

While Billy cleans up the coffee spill …

JIMMY

It’s the worst. I can’t listen to Spotify or videos. I can’t Facetime, Zoom, or use speakerphone in public without everyone around me hearing the entire conversation. If I ever try to use Siri to dictate my texts, she misinterprets them into these bizarro absurdist poems. And don’t get me started on Snapchat. I can’t do anything!

BILLY

Losing your headphones definitely sucks. And you know you can’t buy a new pair of headphones because as soon as you do --

JIMMY

-- I’ll find my old pair right where I left them!

BILLY

Have you asked Susie if she has seen them?

Jimmy looks off into some unseen distance.

JIMMY

We … broke up.

BILLY

What! But you seemed so happy!

JIMMY

(definitely down now)

I really miss her. But we decided we needed some time to think things over. To see what’s out there, you know?

BILLY

Sounds like another reason to find your headphones -- so you can lose yourself in TikTok and other addictive distractions.

JIMMY

Exactly!

Billy joins Jimmy in the living room.

BILLY

Well, as my Uncle Maury once said, “If you’re lookin’ for somethin’, you just need to start with Step One.”

JIMMY

What’s Step One?

BILLY

(with flourish)

“All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!”

A DRUM BEAT starts, followed by MUSIC. The tempo is upbeat but not too fast -- something you’d kick your feet to. Billy starts SNAPPING, moving his knee. Jimmy joins in, somewhat awkwardly.

The apartment backdrop comes alive; we see the shadows of other APARTMENT DWELLERS moving to the music, too. The choreography that follows has Jimmy, Billy, and the rest searching under beds, pillows, couches, in their pants and hampers, in garbage cans and totes, even under toilet seats and in the shower …

BILLY

(singing)

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

We’re gonna look look look look look around

We’re gonna look look look all over this town

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

EVERYONE IN THE APARTMENT BUILDING

(singing)

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

We refuse to head to the headphone sella!

We’re gonna look look look look look around

We’re gonna look look look look up and down

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

Tempo change! Jimmy breaks into a tap-dance duel with Billy.

JIMMY

(singing)

How’m I gonna listen to my music?

BILLY

(singing)

I’ve got extra ‘phones, but don’t abuse it!

JIMMY

(singing)

That’s a nice gesture, but it’s not a solution!

BILLY

(singing)

It’s hard to keep up with the podcast revolution!

The MUSIC rises an octave, and it slows to a sexy saunter. Jimmy, solo in the spotlight, kicks his feet up as he sings.

JIMMY

(singing)

How do I even interact with my phone?/

Plus, I love my headphones ‘cuz they make me feel alone!

Billy joins.

BILLY

(singing)

You need your headphones when you’re watchin’ bad porn/

‘Cuz no one wants to hear you when you’re tuggin’ that horn!

The MUSIC speeds up again, new key. The apartment’s front door BURSTS open. Various CHARACTERS (noted below) file in, dance and sing with Billy and Jimmy and everyone.

A LIBRARIAN comes in carrying books.

LIBRARIAN

(singing)

I once looked at Tinder and I found a date!

A FORTUNE TELLER comes in with a crystal ball.

FORTUNE TELLER

(singing)

You’ve got to look around before it’s too late!

A TECH GUY comes in wearing tech pants with, as it turns out, empty pockets.

TECH GUY

(singing)

And I once looked for my lifelong riches!

A LAUNDRY GUY comes in with a laundry basket, out of which he pulls his old shorts.

LAUNDRY GUY

(singing)

All I’ve found are my long-lost britches!

Everyone now sings and dances together. This is the Big Opening Dance Number!

The MAILMAN comes in with an empty mail bag that he’s showing to everyone -- no headphones!

EVERYONE

(singing)

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

The PLUMBER comes in and heads to the bathroom to plunge for headphones.

EVERYONE

(singing)

We refuse to head to the headphone sella!

The LEAF BLOWER GUY comes in blowing leaves. (Not helping!)

EVERYONE

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look look look around

A FIREFIGHTER comes in because this is an emergency. He and Billy notice each other.

EVERYONE

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look ‘til we burn it down!

All it takes is lookin’ around, fella!

BIG FINISH!

EVERYONE

(singing)

We’re … LOOKIN’ … AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOUND!!!

Everyone holds their poses for a moment! Then those who filed in now file out the front door.

BILLY

(to Jimmy)

Did you try “Find My Airpods?”

JIMMY

They’re just regular headphones.

“Two bits” horn finish.

CUT TO BLACK.

[ACT 2]

We’re at a hip Brooklyn Noodle Bar. Silhouettes of people in the blue backdrop slurp noodles, suck noodles, trade noodles between their mouths like Lady and the Tramp.

At our table, Jimmy sits forlorn with friends: rocker/tough guy JOHNNY, rocker/tough gal ZANNY, hip gal-pals LIZ and JEN, and Billy with his new FIREFIGHTER BOYFRIEND.

BILLY

I love a good noodle. What’s next?

ZANNY

Johnny’s gonna buy me another Dirty Shirley.

LIZ

I have an idea: Let’s all go to the silent disco!

Billy surreptitiously motions towards Jimmy. Jimmy notices the stares.

JIMMY

I’d love to, but I lost my headphones.

JOHNNY

Lost your headphones, or lost your noodle?

ZANNY

Or lost his girlfriend.

Jimmy sees this as an opportunity to open up.

JIMMY

Actually, Zanny, it’s really weird not having my headphones. I’m aware of everything, including my own thoughts -- and how much I miss Susie.

ZANNY

(on her soapbox)

You need to get over her! Johnny broke up with me two hours ago and I’ve had sex five times! With and without headphones!

JOHNNY

It’s true! I watched it on OnlyFans!

FIREFIGHTER BOYFRIEND

That’s hot.

Billy, jealous, punches his Firefighter’s arm. They get in a private tiff that we can’t hear.

LIZ

(to Zanny)

Zanny, you didn’t tell us you have an OnlyFans!

ZANNY

Every girl who goes through a breakup starts one! Jimmy’s ex- probably has one, too!

Jimmy doesn’t want to hear this. He gets up.

JIMMY

Maybe I left my headphones in the bathroom.

He leaves. The gang leans in to gossip, but their conversation fades as our attention is drawn to Stage Right. Jimmy enters the bathroom, closes the door, looks in the mirror. Soft PIANO …

JIMMY

(singing)

I’m looking around/ but I’m somewhere else

Without my headphones/ the world is loud

I’m looking around/ but for something else

I’m looking for her/ in every crowd

Back with the gang, SUSIE walks up. The MUSIC continues in the background through the rest of this act, rising in volume when necessary.

SUSIE

Hi, guys.

ZANNY

Hey, Susie. What are you doing here?

Susie’s style falls somewhere between Audrey Hepburn and Jane Birkin. At the sight of her, the audience should feel a BIG DISCONNECT -- maybe like when you see someone enjoying music on their headphones but you can’t figure out what they’re listening to. But in this case, the audience should be thinking, “What in holy hell is a girl like HER doing with a guy who loses wired headphones?!”

SUSIE

Have you guys seen Jimmy? I wanted to talk to him, but he’s not answering his phone.

ZANNY

He’s, uh, looking for his headphones.

JOHNNY

More like he’s looking to get his noodle sucked.

Johnny BARKS a laugh. The others GIGGLE, too. Susie -- not in on the joke -- is understandably thrown.

SUSIE

OK. Well, if you see him, tell him I’d like to talk.

She leaves.

JOHNNY

Bye-bye.

Their conversation fades. Stage Left, a spotlight shows Susie walking under a low-lit street lamp.

SUSIE

(singing)

He’s looking around/ for something else

He’s searching right now/ though for him I’m the best

He’s looking around/ for somebody else

He’s staring right now/ at her huge heaving breasts

Stage Right, people are lined up outside the bathroom while Jimmy still sings in the mirror.

JIMMY

(singing)

She’s looking around/ for something else

She’s searching right now/ it won’t be long

She’s looking around/ for somebody else

She’s staring right now/ at his stupid gigantic schlong

Johnny has approached the bathroom door. He BANGS on it.

JOHNNY

Jimmy, come out! I know how to find what you’re looking for!

CUT TO BLACK -- except for the SPOTLIGHT on Johnny and Jimmy as Jimmy exits the bathroom. They both make their way to center stage. As the lights rise again, we can see the Noodle Bar has disappeared …

[ACT 3]

… and we’re in the town’s red-light district. But it's also very pink and orange and yellow and blue and purple -- a rainbow red-light district. SEX WORKERS of every stripe linger on stoops, balconies, street corners. When we identify someone as, say, a COP, they are dressed more provocatively, like a sex worker dressed as a cop to satisfy a client's fetish. Or maybe they're a flamboyant cop?

Jimmy and Johnny walk down the middle of the street. Johnny leads.

JIMMY

Hey, what is this place?

JOHNNY

What are you looking for, Jimmy?

JIMMY

I told you, my headphones.

JOHNNY

Maybe not. Maybe you’re looking for something else.

The DRUMS and GUITAR start. It’s a familiar song, but this time it’s LOW and RAUNCHY. Johnny, in his black leather jacket, starts strutting and snapping his fingers to the beat.

JOHNNY

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look look look around

Gonna look look look look look around

Look look look look look around

‘Til your headphones are finally found! Yeah!

Note: When any character sings “headphones” in this scene, that person makes the air-quotes sign to indicate they mean something else.

SEX WORKERS and PIMPS and COPS and JOHNS and MARYS and PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY ANYWHERE ALONG THE RAINBOW fall in behind Johnny to choreographed dancing in the street, reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video with the zombies. While singing and dancing, everyone looks in the backseats of cars (where PEOPLE are doing it), in rundown phone booths (where PEOPLE are doing it), etc.

Johnny puts his arm around Jimmy and motions to everyone they see -- like, “Do you prefer this?” Jimmy follows along awkwardly, while also looking around for his headphones.

JOHNNY

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look look look around

For a scripted sex podcast in this dirty town

And maybe we’ll even end up gettin’ bound

‘Til his headphones are finally found! Yeah!

SEX WORKERS

(singing)

Because his headphones can’t be found!

Ow!

JOHNNY

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look look look around

Someone to plug into so that we can feel sound

Plus, we gotta keep Jimmy from feeling down

‘Til his headphones are finally found! Yeah!

SEX WORKERS

(singing)

Because his headphones can’t be found!

Ow!

Tempo change to a slower beat! The spotlight shines on a line of sex workers on a stoop.

SEX WORKER #1

(singing)

Come look at me!

Do you like what you see!

I’ve got a pair of headphones

That you won’t believe!

SEX WORKERS #2 and #3 step forward.

SEX WORKERS #2 AND #3

(singing)

Come look at we!

Do you like what you see!

We’re happy to give you headphones

But not for free!

Tempo change back to the raunchy strut! Everyone pours into the street, looks in dark alleys, in windows, in the sewers and garbage cans while they dance.

EVERYONE

(singing)

We’re gonna look look look look look around

Gonna look look look look look around

Look look look look look around

‘Til his headphones are finally found! Yeah!

SEX WORKERS

(singing)

Because his headphones can’t be found!

Ow!

[REPEAT CHORUS]

While everyone is SINGING and dancing, Jimmy and Billy come upon a MUSTACHIOED COP. They look for headphones in his gun holster. The Mustachioed Cop catches them in the act, takes out his gun, and aims it at Jimmy. Johnny pulls a brassiere out of a garbage can and throws it over the cop’s face. Blinded, the Mustachioed Cop SHOOTS wildly into the air as Johnny and Jimmy run off stage.

Sex Worker #1 approaches the Mustachioed Cop as he aims everywhere at once. They remove the brassiere from the cop’s face. He can see again.

SEX WORKER #1

(singing)

Before you hurt someone … look around!

Pose hold!

CUT TO BLACK.

[ACT 4]

We’re outside Susie’s Brooklyn apartment, lit romantically in yellow light in the background. Jimmy, hands stuffed in his pockets, looks up at an apartment window.

JIMMY

(singing)

She’s looking around/ for something else --

Susie walks up.

SUSIE

Jimmy?

JIMMY

Susie! I … I was hoping to see you.

SUSIE

I thought you were busy seeing what’s out there.

JIMMY

Well. I have been looking for my headphones.

SUSIE

Is that all you were looking for, Jimmy?

JIMMY

(stepping forward)

The truth is, I miss you, Susie.

SUSIE

You do?

JIMMY

I know I’m just an average guy, and you deserve way better --

SUSIE

Oh, Jimmy …

JIMMY

But life without you is like life … without music.

Soft MUSIC starts. Susie grabs Jimmy’s hand and they head into her apartment building.

We watch their silhouettes as they climb Susie’s apartment stairs (always looking in each other’s eyes) and make their way into her place.

SUSIE

(singing)

Look under my duvet/ figuratively

But most of all/ look at me

JIMMY

(singing)

I’m looking right now/ and I can see

Under your duvet/ is every headphone I could need

SUSIE AND JIMMY

(singing)

We’re looking right now/ at our common goals

We’re finding right now / something more

We’re searching right now/ inside our souls

We’re finding right now/ headphones galore

In the apartment, they climb on the bed and start to do it. Then Jimmy pops up, excited. He’s holding something.

JIMMY

Hey, look! I found my headphones!

Susie pulls him back down to her. They go back to doing it. The music, thematically matching Jimmy’s situation, rises.

CUT TO BLACK.

[ACT 5]

We’re at the silent disco. A big disco ball and white laser lights illuminate the stage.

YOUNG PEOPLE wearing headphones dance to music only they can hear in a way that exemplifies — it’s worth clarifying — this generation’s awkward way of moving to music. Which is to say, they dance as though they learned to do it while wearing headphones alone in their rooms, and no one was ever there for them, at any point, to stop them and say, “Hey, maybe don’t ever move your body like that again.”

Our focus, though, is on our gang. Standing together: Johnny, Zanny, Billy, Firefighter Boyfriend, Jen, Liz. They are joined by Jimmy and Susie, who skip in holding hands.

SUSIE

Hey, everybody!

JIMMY

I found my headphones!

JOHNNY

I bet you did, buddy!

Zanny throws Johnny's arm over her shoulder.

ZANNY

More good news: Johnny and I are back together!

JOHNNY

Sub us on OnlyFans!

Billy puts his arm around his Firefighter Boyfriend.

BILLY

And we’re officially committed … to being in an open relationship!

ZANNY

That IS hot!

JEN

Liz and I have a girls’ night coming up!

Everyone nods uncertainly.

LIZ

Which means we all have a reason to celebrate!

JOHNNY

Put on your headphones, everybody. It’s time to dance!

Everybody puts their headphones in their ears.

From this moment on, we do not hear anything. We just see the cast, and everyone else in the silent disco, lip-syncing to music only they can hear while dancing in that special generational way.

But if we could hear the music, it would sound very happy and energetic. And if the cast wasn’t wearing headphones and lip-syncing, these are the lyrics we’d hear them sing.

EVERYONE

(lip-syncing silently)

We found our headphones

We found our songs

We found our podcasts

Now we belong!

And with our headphones

We’ll stay sane

While we ignore you

On the L train!

Yes, we found love

And inner music

We found our noodle

And now we’ll use it!

Our hope is endless

Headphones abound!

And it's all because we learned to look around!

It’s all because we learned to look around!

Look look look -- look around!

Just look look look -- look around!

Everyone holds their poses! Sheer joy on their faces!

At this point, the audience should feel utterly DISCONNECTED from what’s happening on the stage. When they look at the cast, they should think:

“Is the music over? Is this the Big Finish? And why do I feel so left out? What in the world is happening?”

The cast waves and bows.

CURTAIN.

 © 2022 Jamie Allen